Prank Wars
by onelildustbunni
Summary: PRANK WARS- Ultimate X-men universe. Wolverine and Cyclops wage a war of pranks against each other. Told backwards. Hints of Wolverine Rogue and Cyclops Phoenix. Complete parody. Rated T for some swearing.


Prank war

**Author's note: **Ugh! My computer is out in the repair bay for three weeks, having a " fried" power system replaced. All my stories are trapped in it meanwhile, and I am left with a borrowed laptop. This is a little diddle me and my boyfriend dreamed up…it runs on the same format/main idea than that one episode of Malcolm in the Middle did. (It is told backwards.) Enjoy! -1LiLRoGuE

**Disclaimers: **The X-men belong to Marvel, inc.

**The story…**

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, Professor Charles Xavier's private office, Day 2: 24:01 **

With a patient smile, the Professor scratched a B minus grade on an essay, then set it on the steadily-growing pile of documents. His special Mutant Biology class, taught at the institute, was definitely having an impact on his students-slash-super heroes. Not only did the "children" better understand their origins, but they were also learning how to gain better control of their abilities.

Not to mention the fact that they were learning how to behave more amiably. They were not aware of it, but Xavier purposely made their quarters slightly close, so they would learn important lessons of tolerance, towards each other, and someday that tolerance might save their life, when confronted with a crowd of Anti-Mutant demonstrators.

No sooner had the Professor finished this thought than the door to his office burst open to reveal two of his male students---Scott Summers, also known as Cyclops; and Logan, dubbed Wolverine. Again the patient smile appeared on the Professor's face. He did not show it, but he rather enjoyed the melodramas that played out between his students.

Bu then he began to take in details, and the smile faded. Why was Logan snarling? Why did he have a bandage over his somewhat beaky nose? Why did he stink like the dickens, when he was still 20 feet away? What had happened to Scott's clothing? Why was he walking funny? Why was his hair a hideous shade of purple? And why…why was he holding a jar of turtle shell car wax?

" Boys," he said uneasily, alarm in his voice as they stalked closer.

Suddenly Logan, puffing hard, grabbed the Professor's head and forced it under his arm like a football. Ignoring the startled cry, Scott popped the top off of the jar and started to furiously rub wax into the bald scalp, hissing through his teeth.

"How ya like that, huh? They should call you Sparkle," Logan grunted, struggling to keep the Professor still as he squirmed helplessly and banged on the table.

" Release me at once!" he cried furiously, to no avail. Finally he let his head drop on the desk, and began to sob bitterly. Scott gave his scalp a final buffing and slammed the lid on the jar with a satisfied grin and a nod at Logan.

"The bottle says it's guaranteed to last for months, through rain and shine," he said smugly. Logan grunted his approval and let the Professor's head hang down. The sobs continued, utter humiliation overtaking the man with the shining bald head.

"We'll be grounded for life, but it's worth it after what he did to us," Scott said.

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, Second level corridor A, Day 2: 23:34 **

"They'll be finding pieces of your entrails for **_weeks _**after I'm done with you!" Logan roared, popping his claws and charging at Scott, who had the nerve to flash his opponent a shit-eating grin. The sounds of paintings and vases crashing, and wallpaper ripping reverberated throughout the mansion. Guttural war cries and loud curses echoed, as the two X-men fought in a full-fledged battle. They did not stop at fighting dirty; Logan swung his boot repeatedly into Scott's crotch, but the younger man merely retaliated with a blinding optic blast to the said Logan's shoulder.

"What in the heavens is going on here?" Jean asked, dropping her load of laundry as she viewed the spectacle before her. Slowly she eyed her bruised and bleeding boyfriend, and the state of Logan's clothes, and came to a conclusion.

"Were you fighting over me?" A tear leaked out of her eye.

" No!" Scott said quickly. "I…Jean, we're behaving like little children. Logan…"

"Did not," Logan growled. "He started it. Read him, Jeannie!"

Looking at Scott for confirmation, Jean closed her eyes hesitatingly. A moment later she frowned. "You…you guys are fighting over—"

"Yes," Scott said shortly.

Logan snarled.

"That bastard—"

"He didn't do it, Logan," Jean said, rolling her eyes. Scott let out a wild laugh. "See? See? It was **_you! _**I was right, you can't be trusted! Wait till the Professor hears about this…"

Logan growled.

"I didn't fucking take it, Summers! Search **me, **Jeannie." Going along with the older man's whim, Jean obediently delved past the dropped mental barrier and searched his cranium for his memory of the occasion. Her nose wrinkled and her eyes snapped open in fury.

" Logan, I **_told _**you, even ONE thought…"

Scott piped up, almost hysterical. "I was right, wasn't I? HE TOOK IT!"

"No," Jean said, exasperated. "But Scott, he was---"

"Who took it then?" Scott asked. "Wanna tell me, huh? Where did it go? Search everyone, Jean!"

The redhead rolled her eyes.

"Let's see…subconsciously, Logan keeps a sort of memory log of the environment around him. I can take us all back to that moment to pinpoint the perpetrator. Ready?" Not waiting for the boys to reply, Jean went into their minds and linked them to the memory.

Scott's and Logan's eyes widened as they looked around.

" The Professor," they gasped.

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, Logan's room, Day 2: 23:11 **

"Logan…" Marian said softly, not trying very hard to refuse as he worked his fingers up her shirt front. Ignoring the stench, she wrapped her arms around his neck and, kissing his neck and chin, managed to protest all the while.

"I've got to…mpph…go to bed," she said, rubbing her foot against his calf.

Logan smirked.

"We can go to my bed," he replied smoothly, giving her a squeeze. "C'mon sugar-plum…I think you're more than ready for it." He rubbed her back and pulled her closer as he began to slowly roll her shirt off. Marian moaned softly, closing her eyes and leaning her head against his neck.

A moment later, they snapped open.

"What the hell, Logan?" she asked sharply.

"Uh?" he replied, his fingers moving towards her bra. Angrily Marian slapped him, tears forming in her huge green eyes. " How **could **you! I…I can't believe you would do this to me! After all those times I've stood by you, and all the love I've given you…"

Speechless, Logan blinked. Having all the blood in a certain lower area did not help his thought process, and he tried to understand what could have set his girlfriend off.

_Did I say something that sounded womanizing? _he thought anxiously. _Did I call her fat or something? Maybe…oh god, _he swallowed nervously, but one sniff cleared the question of her menstrual cycle from the list.

"What are you talking about?" he asked stupidly.

"That!" Marian cried, pointing venomously at a piece of lacy fabric on Logan's bedspread. Struggling to focus his eyes from the ten-ton slap Marian had delivered, he finally determined that they were a pair of women's underwear. But he hadn't…

"Wait! Marian, those aren't mine!" he shouted, but Marian let out a louder sob.

"Well obviously not!" she said sarcastically, giving him a hard push then running out the door, her tears leaving large wet-stains on the carpet. Logan struggled to get up, only to see Scott leaning on his door with a large smirk that spelled "payback". He was too angry to notice the slight twitch of pain on his opponent's face.

"They'll be finding pieces of your entrails for **_weeks _**after I'm done with you!" Logan roared.

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, the men's locker room, Day 2: 19:03**

Rubbing his ass, Logan stumbled into the men's locker room brandishing a bottle of super 5-minute epoxy glue. Oh, Scott would pay---dearly, for that lovely little prank he had just pulled.

"Messes with **my **session," he growled, ruffling angrily through the uniforms on the hook until he found Scott's. Rooting around, he found the satin bag dangling from the hanger's hook, and removed it with a satisfied grin. Thank the Professor for making cups mandatory…

Hurrying because he could hear Scott coming, Logan slipped the protective cup out of the bag and ran the tube of super glue over the lining, anger making him cover every square millimeter. He wanted to ensure the suffering of his newly declared arch nemesis…

Satisfied, Logan replaced the cup in the bag and made himself scarce. At least supervising the practice would be entertaining tonight.

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, the Danger Room, Day 2: 17:54 **

Still seething over the earlier incident, Logan tugged on his uniform and barged into the danger room, not bothering to run up to the control room to set the parameters. He already had a special program worked out and saved on files, for situations such as this. It helped him to keep his claws out of the other students' internal organs---namely Scott's.

" Computer, Program 3A11. Authorization Wolverine. RrrRrrrr. RUN!" he snarled. Nothing would satisfy him more than the scent of his opponent's fresh blood; this he had written into the program.

However, the cheap porn music that suddenly emanated from all around him was NOT in the scenario. Confused, Logan looked around him, at the dark-red carpet, at the silk sheeted bed that was covered with rose petals.

"I've been waiting a long time for this," a voice said, full of volumes of meanings that Logan did not want to interpret. Turning slowly, he came face-to-face with his friend and teammate, Piotr.

"What the fuck is going on here?" Logan asked angrily.

"They don't call me Colossus for nothing," Piotr whispered as he drew closer.

" Computer end program!" Logan yelped, his eyes widening as the scenario continued. Even worse, he suddenly found that he could not eject his claws.

Peals of laughter came from the invisible loudspeaker.

" I hope you're enjoying your slot, **_Wolverine. _**I made a few little changes to it that I think you'll like. If not, I bet there's a bottle of lube in there somewhere!"

" CYCLOPS!" he screamed furiously.

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, the dining hall, Day 2: 12:39 **

Still laughing, Scott sat down at the table with Jean and Kurt.

"What's so funny?" Jean asked with a sweet, affectionate smile. She didn't often see Scott cracking up, and it usually meant that he was in a –very- good mood.

" Oh, nothing," he answered with a grin as he began to dig into his bowl of soup. "Smells good. Clam chowder is my favorite, you know. Love the white kind." Blowing on his spoon to cool it off, Scott took a bite and frowned slightly. It tasted somewhat odd.

"Who cooked it?" he asked.

" Oh, Logan did," Jean said nonchalantly. "It was actually my turn, but I wanted to go watch my _Days of Our Lives._ It was really kind of him to offer. He's really taking well to life at the institute."

Scott's brain had stopped at _Logan did._ Feeling nauseous, he stared down at the bowl, and then gagged, seeing the rubber condom somewhat hidden by the chunks of clams. His spoon clattered back into the bowl as he covered his mouth.

"Excuse me," he managed before rushing for the washroom.

"Vhat is eating him?" Kurt asked, raising his eyebrows. "Dis place is very veird, ja?"

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, Logan's room, Day 2: 10:02 **

Logan rolled over in bed, delaying the inevitable need to get up. He'd been having a good dream about his time in the brotherhood, where he would have been able to execute a prick like Scott for the crimes he had committed. His retaliation against the boy had not nearly been strong enough, in his opinion.

Eventually, a smell caught his attention, and as he moved to his other side, he came face-to-face with one very pissed off skunk.

"Easy there…." Logan breathed, resisting the urge to jump backwards in terror. Being sprayed by a skunk was like hitting him in the face with a bus.

Of course, his attempts to soothe the creature were futile, because at that moment Marian chose to pound on the door and yell "Time to get up, sleepyhead! You missed breakfast!"

His screams reverberated for what seemed like hours, and Scott laughed himself silly in the hallway before slouching off to dispose of his smelly rubber bee-keeper's suit.

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, men's communal bathroom, Day 1: 22:55**

Singing in the shower, Scott rubbed the shampoo into his hair vigorously, meanwhile planning the next week's danger room schedule in his mind. Following the instructions to a T---_rinse and repeat-_he stepped out of the shower and toweled his hair dry.

Keeping his eyes firmly shut until he had his glasses on, Scott proceeded to brush his teeth and comb his hair. Still humming, he exited the bathroom and walked down the hallway towards Jean's room. The schedule still in mind, he knocked smartly on her door.

He was not prepared for the outburst of laughter that Jean expelled when she caught sight of her beloved boyfriend. Gripping the doorway, she struggled to express in words the priceless vision—and failed. So she 'showed' him mentally, instead.

" Oh my god!" Scott yelled. "Why the fuck is my hair PINK!"

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, the games room, 21:03 hours**

Professor Charles Xavier smiled fondly as he made his way through the living room, on his way to the kitchen. He had spotted Logan and Scott sitting together on the couch, obviously tolerating each other's presence as they intently watched some game or another.

Stopping behind them, Xavier noticed a bowl sitting on the small table between the two recliners. His curiosity piqued, he peered into the bowl and saw that there was one nacho chip left.

_Surely they won't mind, _he thought, and smiling, he took the chip and placed it in his mouth before wheeling away to continue his kitchen mission.

Moments later, Logan and Scott simultaneously reached into the chip bowl---to discover that none were left. Angrily they stared at each other, their eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"Totally uncool to eat the last chip, man," Scott remarked.

"I didn't take it," Logan growled back. "But you're the only other one here. Supposing **you **took it."

Scott scowled, listened for a moment, and then punched the other X-man in the arm. Logan frowned and made to punch him back, but just then his girlfriend—Marian, or Rogue as she had been dubbed---passed by.

"Logan! I told you, stop picking on Scott. It's bad, it's wrong, and you're not to do it anymore."

Wrinkling his nose, Logan glared at Scott, and hissed, "I'll get you for this."

**The End**


End file.
